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You Won’t BELIEVE These 14 Cray Cray Developer/Designer Retention Hacks…

Published: July 01, 2017

Or what not to do ….

*Note: **Sarcasm warning. I had some particularly strong coffee.
**Note:** See [here](http://neologisms.rice.edu/index.php?a=term&d=1&t=9024) for definition of Cray Cray
**Note**: Check [my other posts](https://hackernoon.com/@johnpcutler) for some actionable help on the topic*

1 ZtHatIe8R4dR7AnLBwMWcA https://permissiontokill.wordpress.com/2011/10/03/the-phantom-movie-serial-1943/1. Hire smart, analytical problem solvers
… many with advanced degrees, high EQ, diverse interests, and systems thinking chops
… who are highly accustomed to making cost/reward decisions in their work

  1. Sit them down at a desk in a noisy, public space so they are under constant scrutiny
  2. Ask them to deliver an executive’s investment ideas
  3. Measure those problem solvers and their managers by the *successful delivery *of those ideas
  4. Apply poor rigor at connecting those investments to business outcomes. Better yet, fast-track silver bullets to gloss over poor outcomes
  5. Rally them with success theater (that holds no water under the scrutiny of people who understand causation vs. correlation)
  6. Run them through a gauntlet of process, rituals, and cultural manifestos. Award shwag
  7. Make symbolic gestures to encourage diversity. Describe sexual harassment as an HR problem
  8. Pamper them with good coffee, gourmet food, “healthy” high-calorie snacks, and hackdays
  9. Optimize for keeping team busy, being responsive to the business, hitting deadlines, and adding complexity to the software that they must in turn refactor/support
  10. Celebrate technical excellence and craft (to keep them focused on “what they can control”)
  11. Send the ornery (but brilliant) ones off to solve big problems that let them be alone
  12. Encourage the less brilliant, but more moldable ones to ascend/descend into management
  13. Keep the others at their desks until they move on to the next gig (helps if they are single) 1 0hqOaABQ7XGPT OYNgiUBg 1 Vgw1jkA6hgnvwzTsfMlnpg 1 gKBpq1ruUi0FVK2UM I4tQ

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